DON'T DO THAT!

In an era when most comedians told long, elaborate jokes that crawled to the punchline, Henny Youngman was different. He was known as the king of one-liners. (Take my wife…please!) Some were just funny for funny’s sake, but others carried a more profound meaning (even if unintended). For example:

A man went to his doctor and said, “Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this (insert awkward gesture here)!” Doc says, “don’t do that!” (Insert rimshot and hysterical cheers here.)

Indeed.

Surely some diseases are genetic (diabetes), while others are environmental (tainted water). For this reason, we might not get diagnosed until it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s not your fault. And yet, other ailments are caused by our own voluntary choices.

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For example: We all know from science, that alcoholism can destroy your liver and ruin your marriage. What will a doctor tell you? “Don’t do that!” He won’t suggest that you drink less, or switch from whiskey to beer, or seek out a new wife. He won’t ask you to take a pill before your first drink. Rather, he will tell you to stop. Period. And at that point, everything’s up to you.

In a similar way, we all know from science that smoking can kill you. If not from lung cancer, then from heart disease or a dozen other intermediate causes. What will a doctor tell you? “Don’t do that!” He won’t suggest that you smoke less, or switch to a lower-tar brand. He won’t ask you to take a pill before your first daily smoke. Rather, he will tell you to stop. Period. And at that point, everything’s up to you. (Yes, there are meds that can help you quit. But that’s the goal: to quit.)

Further, we all know from science that risky sex practices can lead to HIV and AIDS. And eventually to an agonizing death. What will a doctor tell you? “Don’t do that?” Probably not.

Whaaaat?

Yep. Instead the customary advice is, keep on doing what you’re doing. But be safe: wear a condom. Get tested regularly. And here, take this pill, as an extra precaution. What kind of plan is this? What kind of science?

HIV and AIDS are not hereditary. You can’t contract them from a dirty toilet seat. The virus is not found hiding in poisoned food or water. Instead, over 99% of all patients got infected through their own (preventable) voluntary behavior. You know, kinda like drinking and smoking.

The good news is this: This scourge could be wiped from the face of the earth, in one generation. (In fact it would also work for syphilis, gonorrhea, and every other STD.) Without a new wonder drug, and at no cost to any insurance company or government program. The hospices would empty forever, and our medical research labs could move on to curing the next thing.

What’s the plan? Beginning tomorrow, only married virgins could have sex. That’s right: If this disease is spread through an exercise of our free-will choices, we need only to make better choices. We’re all born disease-free, and we can only get sick through sexual contact with an infected person. It’s all within our grasp.

Do I expect this to happen? Do I realistically believe that millions of people will repent overnight, for the sake of a better future for us all? No, I don’t. But just imagine: it’s all so simple.

Don’t do that.